I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
