i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We don't watch enough power rangers
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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