i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
