I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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