her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
