My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
