In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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