I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
