I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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