ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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