I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
