The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he thought i was a dude.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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