Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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