Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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