Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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