It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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