I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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