hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
