I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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