woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
