he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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