why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
