Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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