do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
