Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
