I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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