Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
