naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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