My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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