So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
