Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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