Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
