i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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