I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
