Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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