Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
