I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
