Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
