If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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