Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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