you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
