So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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