I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
