i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
