Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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