Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
