I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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