My liver just broke up with me...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
