be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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