how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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