Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
