Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
