"it" just moved
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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