Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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