Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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