Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
