I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
