So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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