You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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