How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
